How to Say ‘No’ – The Most Difficult Word in English

So, what IS the most difficult word in English? Some long scientific name? Something emotional like ‘love ‘ or  ’sorry’? Something with a complex mix of consonants all together?

In everyday terms, I’d say the most difficult word is “No.”

Why? Well, think about it.  Your grandmother has given you  another pair of socks for your birthday. When she asks ‘Do you like them?’ what are you going to say??

Your boss has asked you to stay late yet again to finish a project. You already have a full in – tray and are becoming more and more stressed at your workload. What are you going to say?

Your friend asks you to do him a favour. He’s helped you out before (and reminds you of this when he asks). What are you going to say?

Psychologically, we often find it difficult to say no.  We don’t want to upset Granny (I’d agree with that one!) ; we don’t want the boss to overlook us on that promotion or to think that we’re not a ‘team player’;  we don’t want to lose our friend or become unpopular.

However, learning to say ‘No’ in an assertive and non confrontational way can have BIG advantages…not least to your stress levels.

First, be careful of your tone of voice.  You don’t want to sound as though you’re starting an argument before you even say anything.

Secondly, USE THE WORD NO.  It sounds so obvious, but most of us would rather ramble on and say something like “well, it’s going to be a bit difficult for me because I’ve got this other project to finish and Bill said that he wanted me to attend his meeting this afternoon and I’ve got to leave on time today because…….”  rather than say, quietly but assertively “No, I’m afraid I can’t do that”.

If you say ‘No’, the other person will probable ask ‘why not?!’  Their tone of voice might even indicate that they are not happy that you’ve said no! However, listen to the content of the question and not the tone…..and answer the question, for example

 ”I’m already working on a  priority project, and if I undertake this task, I’ll miss the deadline” 

Be prepared to negotiate: if your boss wants the extra work done by 5 pm tonight, but you reckon that you could get it done by 5 pm tomorrow (and that really is the best you can do without having to work till 10 pm) then say so.  5 pm tomorrow might be OK after all.

Alternatively, your boss might be prepared to re-arrange your workload to let you do this new piece of work.

The ‘repeat’ technique can work well….but be careful of your tone of voice, or you might sound rude. Bascially, think of your response “No,  I can’t do it for 5 pm today, but I could do it for 5 pm tomorrow” and use that phrase 2 or 3 times in the conversation.

Why? Because the first time he hears it, you boss will ignore it – he’s too busy trying to persaude you to do the extra work. The second time, he will begin to realise that you can’t do the work right away, and by the third time he’s actually thinking about how to work round this problem.

Saying ‘no’ is difficult because you have to be brave. If you’re usually someone who find themselves saying ‘yes’ when they really don’t want to, you’ll find it REALLY difficult to say ‘no’ at first.

It gets easier though. Sometimes, of course, you’ll end up having to do the extra work because your boss says so, but at the very least, you’ll have sent a message to your boss that you aren’t a ‘yes man’ who will agree to anything regardless of your stress levels. And who knows – you may even be able to get a little of your own time back.

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Tags: assertiveness, communication skills, how to say no, saying no, self confidence